i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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