he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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