oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
