My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I'm at about main and main street
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
