i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
