Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
