I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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