Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
so that wasnt chicken after all
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
