I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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