I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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