ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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