I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
