we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
