Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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