I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
