Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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