I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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