he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
i think i just lost a toe
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
