watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
