I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
