I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
