I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
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they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
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My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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