I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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