Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
