Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
You ate ashes out of my bong
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
