Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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