kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
