im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
