last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
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