My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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