you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
