seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
