I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
