I have demons in me.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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