I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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