today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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