I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
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