Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Randomize
