I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
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