Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
