I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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