so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
