Sry I called you an 8
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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