Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Randomize
