I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Randomize
