Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
