well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
