it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
