Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
