Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
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I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
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Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.