I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
