he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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