i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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