Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize