Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
